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ARCHIVES! EMAIL AWAY! STU TAKES US THROUGH HIS FANTASTIC CAREER CHOICES  'Hello, I'm stu - always taking the freeway to success, always following the speed limit. As you can see, I even wear a helmet whilst driving - that's for just a little bit more saftey, which is always the legal way.  One of the happiest times of my life was when I joined the cult of Life Mechanics I soon got into gear and took a seat in the driving lane of life  My friends were all pretty surportive 
Fame at last! It was something of an irony that the colapse of Life Mechanics forced me to live in my car  Now that I was literally in the parking lot of life, I needed a new direction So I joined The Police 
And now I solve all your pop problems - the legal way!
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Monday, May 31
Crystal Reviews The Mercury4 Album Without Listening To It (This will have to be something of an interlude, because we've already visited Mercury4 Land, and there is no back-tracking on the road to success) 
Well, I don't even need to listen to Mercury4's self titled album to know that it is going to be Comedy Album Of The Year 2004. I can tell just from looking at the packaging and song titles what it's going to be like. For starters, some of the titles: - No Good In Goodbye - That is genius! Seriously, I can tell just from the title that this is going to be my favourite song on the album. And ooooh! The credits say it's written by Gary Barlow and Elliot Kennedy! The two best pop writers EVER. I'm way too excited to hear this now. - (Has Anybody) Seen My Girl? - That is some random use of brackets. I think they just used them for the sake of using them. But...oh dear...reading the lyrics, there's a rap that goes: 'She's got a smile like Kylie With an ass to match' I hope that is going to be comedy. - Get Me Some 2004 - I hope it's as good as Get Me Some 2003! It's the Different Year Remix! And check out the new rap they've apparently added to it: 'I'm da slapper I'm da slapper I'm a da biggy bomb ass rappada Forget all dem rappers, They just toss When it comes to making money I'm like their big boss' I admit...I'm cynical about just how good THAT'S going to sound. Anyway, I'm pleased to report that out of the 15 songs on the album - 6 have raps. That's a nice percentage. There's also 3 comedy interludes. Like I said, I haven't played it yet, but I can guess that there's going to be some comedy phone messages, chat up lines and hilarious witty banter on them. PLUS - the album came with a t-shirt transfer. Will I be brave enough to wear it in public? Will I take the Mercury4 T-shirt challenge? Only time will tell. I'll be back later with another review after I've actually listened to it. IN-CAR BANTER: I have to own this album - boybands having comedy interludes, hilarious raps and free teeshirt transfers should be compulsory - Michael. Animations At Half-Mast Car Trouble Crystal: No Stu, I'm sorry, but we need the bus back...it's too cramped in here... Stu: How about we get another car? Crystal: No, not another CAR Stu: You want to get another car? Alright then! I know just where to go! THE WIGGLES CAR YARD 
Stu: Toot toot! Hahahaha! Crystal: You're easily amused Stu. Stu: What kind of car do you have available for us, Wiggles? The Wiggles: We have a Big Red Car! 
Damon: Gees, I never saw THAT one coming. What an unexpected and hilarious joke. Crystal: It's just an example of the laughs we have around here! Stu: Anyway, I am going to have to go pose in the car, just to see if it's suitable: 
Stu: Yes, I think it will do nicely. Crystal: This is going to be even more cramped than the other one... Stu: It's the comedy that's important on the road to success! Not the footspace! Time to get our engines revved up! Let's hit the road! Fun Time! Crystal: Ok, next up guys, we are going somewhere really really fun! Stu: Really?? Crystal: Really! We are going to a theme park! 
Crystal: It's Fantasia's Fantastic World Of Fantasies! Stu: ...cool. Crystal: Yes. Now, I must say, I only recently discovered that this place existed. Stu: Explain further... Crystal: Well, Fantasia was my favourite American Idol contestant throughout the competition, but because I hardly watched it and didn't really care about it, that's not really saying a lot. Stu: Continue on with your explanation... Crystal: However, the last couple of weeks I started to notice that Fantasia really does seem to be, what I like to describe as, 'particularly bonza'. Stu: I certainly understand what you mean now. Crystal: Would you like to go on a rollercoaster now!? Stu: I would! Crystal: Ok, first up we are going to ride the rollercoaster of downloading an mp3 of Fantasia singing I Believe! Damon: Right, and how is this a rollercoaster? Crystal: It's an emotional rollercoaster! Damon: ...how is it an emotional rollercoaster? Crystal: BECAUSE...you'll be sad before you hear it...and then when you hear it, you'll be happy...then when it ends you'll be sad it's ended...but then you'll remember the good time you had listening to it and be happy again. Damon: ...Yeah. Crystal: Stu believes me! You're just viewing my methods through a keyhole Damon! Stu: I DO believe you. I just went on the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime listening to it! Crystal: I actually really love 'I Believe'. I can't wait to get the single. Plus, Fantasia is my most favourite singer ever! Damon: Yeah, for the next three days at least. Crystal: I've had just about enough of you. Bilgewater's Fuelling Station: Stu: We'd better refuel... Michael: Already? Stu: Well, Michael, you'll never get far on the road to success if you don't restart your engine ever-... Michael: Shush. Didn't you give up on Life Mechanics when you were exposed as an evil, money-pinching fraud? Stu: Yes, but... Michael: Just put some petrol in the car, okay...? Bilgewater's Roadside Fifties-Themed Diner: 
Michael: What's this?! Could it be a magic jukebox, that only plays good songs, and...-? The Magic Jukebox: Yes it fucking is. Michael: ...is haunted by the spirit of The Colonel! The Magic Jukebox: Are you for fucking real? Michael: Och, and what's this? Why, it's Hedwig and The Angry Inch's homage to Dolly Parton, 'Sugar Daddy', the song that Dolly very nearly recorded for the Wig in a Box tribute album, but didn't, because she couldn't find the time in her busy, busy schedule to lay down the vocals, so they ended up giving it to Black Francis from The Pixies, who slayed it - what else?! It's as if The Magic Jukebox knew... Happy IN OTHER NEWS: Is there really somebody on Big Brother Australia called Merlin?! That's worse than Kitten, that is! Sunday, May 30
Postcard's Home: 
Hey y'all, I'm having such an incredible experience on The Love Pavilion Reunion Tour - it's been a fantastic chance to get to know my co-minions, and mingle with the people of the real world. I've met a lady called Penne - I, like most of our readers, haven't a fucking clue who she is, and she hasn't said very much yet, but she's certainly an interesting character, and wears a nice top. I also met up with my old flame, Taj Coppin - don't tell Stu, but it was me and Taj who broke The Love Bus. Something to do with the suspension. We were bounci-... Oh, fuck, I've run out of space. Cheerio, then, Michael. xxx Michael: Hey, guys - how are we going to fit Taj into the big black shiny car...? Broken Down On Freeway Nine... Crystal: What the hell is that noise? Stu: I think we've got engine trouble. Better pull over. 
Stu: Yep...I'm afraid that's it for the old bus. Crystal: What the hell are we going to do? We're miles away from Lou's Garage! Damon: That's alright, Stu's a mechanic, aren't you? Stu: A LIFE mechanic... Damon: Yeah, but before that...you used to be an actual mechanic... Stu: Life Mechanics IS actual mechanics Damon: Sigh, never mind... Stu: Anyway, it's alright, there's a car dealer's near here! (The gang arrive at Shannon Noll's Car Yard) 
Stu: What do you have available, Shannon? Shannon: I've got a car...I've got a big black shiny car. Maybe tonight you could go for a testdrive? 
Stu: Yep, I like it. Crystal: But what? A CAR? That's going to be a bit of a tight fit... Penne: Yeah, me, Stu, Crystal, Michael and Damon... Crystal: I am NOT sitting next to Damon... Stu: Well I'm in the driver's seat of life! Crystal: And I'm in the passenger's seat of life! Stu: It'll all work out fine! We're on the road to greatness, and really, when you think about it, the vehicle is our friendship! Crystal: Hmm... Next Stop On The Road To Greatness! 
Crystal: Here we are - at the Taj Mahal! Stu: Aw, it'll be good to see my mate again! Crystal: It sure will be! Michael: ...Taj is going to be here, right? Crystal: That's the gist of the joke, yeah. Damon: This is seriously the worst joke EVER. Crystal: Oh my God, it's HILARIOUS! Look at Stu - he's cracking up! And he's heard it before, so, that's the kind of...what, I suppose you prefer Neil's jokes do you? Damon: Yeah...better tour guide too. Crystal: Fuck you Damon! I'm taking down my animation! 
Michael: Taj! 
Taj: G'day folks, Taj here! Crystal: We've missed you Taj! What have you been up to? Taj: Oh, you know, just the usual...stalking, crippling, sexual harassing. Stu: Oh yeah, Nina, Lori and Libby say hi! Taj: I miss those girls. Stu: Oh well, time to hit the road! Penne: Street smart! Saturday, May 29
Losing My Religion (This Time I Know It's For Real) Crystal: Look, this WAS just a little subsection on our sidebar, but the more I listen to Oasis today, the more I realise... Stu: Hang on, just pulling over. 
Crystal: See! Stu: See what? Crystal: Cameron isn't our God at all... 
Stu: Well this is an unexpected gear change... Crystal: Stu, for serious. Have you ever listened to the album Definitely Maybe? Stu: Several times every day...but why? Crystal: Stu...I honestly, seriously, think that this album is some sort of Religious Love Pavilion Scripture... Stu: And do you have any proof of this? 
Rock 'N' Roll Star I'll take my car and drive real far Self explanatory. Shakermaker: I've been driving in my car with my friend Mr. Soft Mr. Clean and Mr.Ben are living in my loft Hello? Driving in my car? Mr Ben?? Living in a loft? That sounds like Life Marines that last one... Live Forever: Live Forever Well, the whole Jaunty Vibes/Blur Mania/Top Secret Oasis Week started with the words 'Live Forever' and ended with the words 'Love Forever', didn't they... Supersonic: Can I ride with you in your B.M.W ? You can sail with me in my yellow submarine Riding in a car??? SAILING???? I'm spooked out! Bring It On Down: Today was just a blur Once again, no explanation needed. Slide Away: I've tried praying - and I know just what you're saying to me I've tried praying - to Cameron! But now I know the real Gods! I'll try praying again! I hope they know just what I'm saying to them! Married With Children: There's no need for you to say you're sorry Goodbye I'm going home' Web fights! Do you believe me Stu? Stu: YES. These are no coincidences. Crystal: I know... (PS - Happy Birthday Noel!) Uh-Oh
Stu: That's it! I am closing the site down!! Crystal Stu! What?? What are you talking about? Why?? Stu: Look at THIS old post I found about Neighbours: Things NOT To Look Forward To - Any scene involving Stu Hopeful Deaths - Stu Crystal: But...but! I didn't post that! I swear Stu! ....Alyson! Alyson changed it! It's not true I tell you! Stu: It is true! I am leaving! Crystal: You can't leave! Because...because...I leave first! Stu: I am taking down all my animations!!! Crystal: That is it! I am SHUTTING my site down! Stu: FINE BY ME! Crystal: Stu...come on...I'm sorry...I didn't mean what I said in that post...you know I'd die FOR you now. Stu: Yeah...I do. Crystal: So, we're back on the road to friendship? Stu: It would be a crime if we weren't.
The Next Stop Is... 
Crystal: Millsy World! Stu: I reckon this is gonna be a lot of fun... Crystal: Only if you reckon MP3s are fun! Stu: I do though! Crystal: Well then yeah, it's gonna be a lot of fun. Penne: Remember when during Oz Idol, you hated Millsy? Crystal: Yeah, but then he got together with Paris and we started to love him. Penne: And of course, there was the Millsy Song-writing competition. That was pretty street smart. Crystal: It sure was. Damon: Didn't we go down Memory Lane yesterday? Crystal: Damon, there's a Memory Lane in every Land, World and Ville we go too. Damon: Bloody hell. I'm just going to wait in the car till we get to Africa. Stu: Crystal, didn't you say something about MP3s, and the promise of fun? Crystal: Yes. You see... 
Millsy's single is out on Monday, but why not just download the MP3 now? Stu: Is this LEGAL? Crystal Have you passed your POLICE exam yet? Stu: Good point. Download away then. Driving Down The Highway...
Stu: Where the hell is Michael? Crystal: He's been a bit quiet. Is he still doing his comedy blog? Stu: Have you locked him in the boot or something? Crystal: ...in a way...I told him not to post until I gave him permission Stu: Understandable. Crystal But Michael - you can come out of the boot now! Get into the passenger seat and get going on the road to success! Friday, May 28
Postcards Home! 
Crystal: Lets send some postcards home! Stu: I picked this one up back in HiTville Crystal: Wow, whoever designed that sure is an artist. Stu: It's beautiful. Interlude 
These guys are having some sort of secret appreciation week next week and I've spent a great deal of today trying to work it out from their highly cryptical clues. And I'm totally stumped. Anyway, we're joining in too. Next week it's time for another one of OUR top secret theme weeks, and I'm only giving you the following clues: Brothers. Manchester. Synonym for sanctuary. Great music. Can you figure it out? Penne's P.O.V 
Penne: G'day kids, Penne here, back to fast track your street education! I'll tell you what's better than Life Mechanics - Life Support! And we're not even a dangerous cult! Crystal: Ok Penne, please don't upset poor Stu. Where are we visiting now? Penne: The dangerous land of...Mercury4! 
Crystal: Ah, I remember these guys... Penne: You used to be quite a fan, if I remember correctly. A quick trip through your archives reveals as such. Here is your ridiculous first post about them. Crystal: Then there was THIS craziness...and finally some humor after realising they were crap. Penne: No, but then you really started liking them Crystal: Yeah, and I met them Penne: Was that exciting? It sounds very street. Crystal: It was street as. The only exciting thing though was that one of them has a dog called Bonza. Penne: Bonza, indeed. And you sent a copy of the Merc4 single to Michael didn't you? Crystal: Yes. And he loved it. Penne: But then...what happened? Crystal: Well...Cameron Adams gave them a five star review Penne: Street! Crystal: But he was joking. Penne: Un-street. Crystal: Indeed. And I went right off them. Penne: And then the member who had the dog called bonza left the band, didn't he? Crystal: Yes. Sad day. However, on Monday the new Mercury4 line-up release their first album. Penne: Are you getting it? Crystal:...I might do. Penne: That is so street. And this has been a very fun trip down both memory lane and Mercury4 Land. Crystal:Time to hit the road now I think! Thursday, May 27
Pit Stop We're just pulling over for a coffee and a quick chat! 
Crystal: So Stu, I know you're currently on the road trip of a lifetime, but this afternoon Stu: Yes I did. Crystal: Good luck Stu! I hope they let you into the group! Stu: Thanks. And Crystal, didn't you have something else to say? Crystal: Yes Stu. A little while ago I realised it is hilarious that your last name is 'Parker'. Stu: It's appropriate. Crystal: It sure is! Stu: Was there anything else you wanted to say? Crystal: ... Well, I would like to mention that I always found it somewhat ironic that the collapse of Life Mechanics forced you to live in your car.
Stu: I was quite literally in the parking lot of life. Damon: Anything you wanted to say to me? Crystal: Yes. Apparently on Rove on Tuesday night, Craig from The Vines wore a Think Tank t-shirt Damon: What a legend Crystal: This really makes me far more excited than it should, seeing as it's a past event, that occurred on a TV show I never saw, and will have no impact on my life whatsoever. Damon: But you want to go buy a Vines album now don't you? Crystal: Yes. 'She's dead...' She's not dead. Crystal: Ok, where are we going now? Stu: We're just taking little trip down freeway nine. Crystal: Ok. Damon: Hang on, what's that? 
Crystal: Pretty girl on the hood of a Cadillac! Stu: She's broken down...
Crystal: It's Penne! Damon: Penne! Stu: Hang on one second. How many people are actually going to get this joke? Crystal: One. Possibly two...Ausculture will get the Penne thing, but I don't know if they watch The Office. Stu: Oh well, as long as you're amusing yourself. Crystal: Oh, I am. Damon: Anyway, back to the subject at hand...what are we going to do about Penne? Crystal: She's going to come on tour with us! Penne: That's right I am, and I'm going to dispense some street smart life advice along the way. Stu: Am I still needed? Crystal: To drive, yeah. First Stop - HiTville! 
Crystal: Here we are guys! What a fun place to visit for the first stop of our reunion tour. 
Damon: I feel a little bit like I've died and gone to heaven. Crystal: In many ways you have. But the God here actually walks the earth. Damon: Well, let's have a little travel around shall we? Stu: Seatbelts on! (Short traveling time) 
Crystal: Here we are at the statue of the Avril Lavigne Album Review. Damon: What does it say? Crystal: The inscription says 'Believe it or not, Avril Lavigne deserves respect...has effectively added five years to her career' Damon: And there's a track-by-track review? Crystal: Yes, I was surprised. He really likes it. Damon: And what do YOU think of the album Crystal? Crystal: Glad you asked Damon. I love it. I recommend it to anyone. Stu: Time to hit the road! 
Crystal: Ooh, we've reached the cave of The Dissociatives Interview... Damon: What's with all the statues and caves? This is a crappy trip. When are we getting to Africa? Crystal: Later. What's important here is that Cameron 'God of all mankind' Adams compares The Dissociatives to your band Gorillaz. Damon: Yeah, the fucking rip-offs. Crystal: Daniel Johns does say he thinks Gorillaz were 'fucking genius' though. Damon: Well obviously he does. And hang on Crystal, haven't YOU compared Gorillaz to The Dissociatives a couple of times back at the Love Pavilion? Crystal: Probably just a coincidence, I'm sure. Stu: Back in the bus kids! I want to visit the Museum Of Hot & Not 
Crystal: Here we are...HOT is - 'Puss In Boots', 'Super Size Me' and 'Kylie's best-of tour' Damon: And NOT HOT is - 'Nikki Webster', 'Big Brother's Terri' and 'Popstars Live' Stu: Well, this has been a thrilling trip. Wherever will we visit next? Crystal: I don't know...but wherever it is there'll probably be more statues and caves... Damon: Do you think you could come up with something better? Crystal: I'll try. Wednesday, May 26
Starting Out 
We've got our bags packed, and we're just looking at the map to try and figure out which route to take. Me and Stu say the Road To Success but Damon wants to take the Freelove Freeway. 
Once we've got this sorted we'll be setting off. We're Getting The Band Back Together... Oooh, everything's blank. What can it all mean? It means...we're back for a reunion tour! Yes, after all the feuds, bust-ups and Blur-related catastrophes of the past few days, we are starting afresh. And we are taking an extensive tour of the Interweb, our archives, and whatever other bonza places we find along the way. We've got lots of places to visit: 
We'll be taking the highway to success, following the freelove freeway, breaking down on freeway 9, and taking a detour through Ramsay St along the way. We're not sure just quite WHERE all this will take us, but it will sure be a thrilling trip.
Stu's driving - of course! He'll be following the speed limit at all times, and getting into gear when necessary.
So join me, Stu, Damon & Michael as we take you on the ride of your lives. We're setting off for our first location now! See you all soon! Monday, May 24
It Had To End Like This 
And so it comes to be...the same Jaunty Vibes that gave us so much hope will be the ones that will kill us. After the post below, a war has broken out. It's a turf war, on a global scale, and I'd rather hear both sides of the tale. Well actually, I have, and Claire has said she is leaving her site. Well, if she goes, I go too. No joking around. Michael, you're on your own, and I am taking Stu with me, to a new special secret place that I only I can read. Goodbye. Shocked & Speechless. 
You will never believe what I came across whilst doing a Google search on 'Girlfriend'. One of Claire's old 411mania columns. Ahem... 'Love forever: Tori Amos, Blur, Catatonia, Air, Ash, Elastica, Girlfriend, Kylie, and Britney' I am literally shocked to my very foundations. That certainly differs from you opinion not three weeks ago: 'I still hate Blur...they just piss me off with that jaunty (in a bad way!) cockney crap' Care to explain? And then there's THIS: 'Love Now: The Streets, Shakira, Ms Dynamite, The Cooper Temple Clause, Mis-Teeq, The White Stripes,' THE STREETS AND THE WHITE STRIPES? I think someone was trying to be cool and telling giant fibs. And I'm just going to pretend I never read this bit: 'Hate Now: Motor Ace, George, Oasis (sorry Noel)' Sorry Noel indeed. Explain yourself girl! I have no idea what is going on! Jesus Christ, Superstars A conversation yesterday about Damon Albarn and Geri Halliwell being in the same band prompted me to ask - just what WOULD be the dream line up for a pop band? Well, it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what God thinks: 
Classic Neighbours 
Watching the Classic Neighbours repeats is interesting viewing. This has absolutely nothing to do with the episodes themselves which are boring as all hell, but with the way you can reference them to the current episodes. It's obviously no secret Neighbours recycles the odd storyline, but what is particularly amusing with Classic Neighbours screening, is that you can see the exact same storyline running parallel in the morning and the night. In the 12 months it had been off air, I'd forgotten about this phenomenon. The best thing for me though is any shot of a little blonde toddler Sky. For some reason I find it amusing that she lives in Boyd's house. I wish she'd mention that in current times. And I also find it amusing that she has absolutely no interaction with Harold...he doesn't seem to care about her at all. (Harold's currently questioning his commitment to his Christian lifestyle.) An episode the other day had me a little confused though. I spotted a familiar face sitting in the Coffee Shop...Michael Martin! Except, I think they were calling him Darren. There are three options here - 1. I wasn't hearing correctly. 2. He's pretending his name is Darren, or 3. The actor is playing a different character. The best ever example of this was...and we're going back about 3/4 years now...when Charlene got a new boss at not-yet-Lou's Garage. It was...Karl Kennedy! Except, his name was Greg Cooper! He was on air for a good month too. 
Anyway, I will keep watching to find out the mystery of this Michael/Darren double, to see if Sky ever visits her so-called favourite Grandpa, and of course, for the comedy stylings of Joe Mangel... Sunday, May 23
All I Do Each Night Is Pray (In lieu of a new CA-photoshopped-as-Jesus pic, here's Take That:) 
My first ever Love Pav post on Cameron Adams, from the 28th of February last year: '...The best music reviewer in the WORLD. Mr Cameron Adams. I will each week publish Mr Adams best piece of wisdom for your viewing pleasure' And I have kept that promise! And: 'If you ever stumble upon this Cameron, please know I worship you and take your every word as gospel.' Nothing's changed on that front either! Except that he HAS stumbled across this place, of course... Pop Laws With Stu Stu's back with a warrant - to search for all your pop problems!
Crystal: Hey Stu. Stu: How's it going? Crystal Fine thanks. Stu, I've been listening to a LOT of Girlfriend lately... 
Stu: Have you? Crystal: Yes. And Stu, in their fantastic song 'All Or Nothing' they say 'Compromising is something I'm not guilty of' Stu: Good! I won't have to arrest them then will I? Crystal: Doesn't look like it, no...What is the punishment for being guilty of compromising, just of of interest? Stu: ...You're made to stick to your own convictions for two years, minimum? Crystal: Hmm, are you sure there's actually a law AGAINST compromising? Stu: Oh yes. Crystal: Oh. Then...how do you know Girlfriend aren't lying? I'd investigate this if I was you... Stu: I'm on the case! Crystal: Thanks Stu. Gonna Animate Like It's 1998
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THE LATEST CRAZE - MP3 BLOGS!:THANK ME FOR THE MUSIC BANG & BURN INTO THE GROOVE SUPERVIXXEN (Not just mp3s though that one...but digging the Spice vibe)  There are many things that I would like to say to you... WHY NOT CHECK OUT CLAIRE'S FAVOURITE FILM: 'LOVE FOREVER'?  It's all about Blur - and loving them forever! CFBGOESPOP Loves Blur, Hates Oasis. WE.HAVE.PROOF AUSCULTURE Gulity - of being tops! As is: THEIR BIG BROTHER BLOG They've discovered the correlation between Crystal's Love For A Contestant and Likelihood Of Being Voted Out Immediately ZBONZAK Kickin' it old school with a fly '98 tip JONNY'S SITE Possibly written by Ben Affleck. No, definitely. SEX KITTEN Let's stop this religious war guys! Give peace a chance. POPJUSTICE There are no laws at the seaside! I don't know who Sam & Mark are, but I do find that quite hilarious DIRRRTY POP Joining the congregation! SOAP-DISCO Thank you for taking a CA Approved Stance on Morrissey DAMON.COM Some days we're checking out this site, some days we've gone right off Blur again. MORE LINKS TO COME We're not too good for links you know, so please, if you have a site or if I've forgotten it please email the address and I will add it.
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