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ARCHIVES! EMAIL AWAY! STU TAKES US THROUGH HIS FANTASTIC CAREER CHOICES  'Hello, I'm stu - always taking the freeway to success, always following the speed limit. As you can see, I even wear a helmet whilst driving - that's for just a little bit more saftey, which is always the legal way.  One of the happiest times of my life was when I joined the cult of Life Mechanics I soon got into gear and took a seat in the driving lane of life  My friends were all pretty surportive 
Fame at last! It was something of an irony that the colapse of Life Mechanics forced me to live in my car  Now that I was literally in the parking lot of life, I needed a new direction So I joined The Police 
And now I solve all your pop problems - the legal way!
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Friday, April 30
And I Feel Heavy Metal 
If there's one fault Oasis have, it's that they don't have a Jaunty Blur Vibe... Blur - For when Steps just aren't jaunty enough. Crazy people who shall remain nameless (not Michael this time) have said that Blur's ultra-jaunty 'Country House' is infact, an un-bonza song. But have a look at this: 'Lives in a house, a very big house, in the country' Remind you of any other particularly bonza lyrics? I think it's fair to say that Shannon Noll has a Jaunty Blur Vibe - and that's a good thing. GEORGE'S PRESSING POLITICAL ISSUE OF THE DAY: Thursday, April 29
HiT Review Today's issue was all about comparing Jet to Oasis. Seriously. First of all there was this, next to a picture of the World's Most Bonza Brothers: 'If the heaving mass of fans on the dance floor don't tell you that Jet have the ability to go supersonic in a way not seen since well, Oasis, then the beaming faces of Liam 'n' Noel in the VIP section do'. Then there was this review: 
I saw Jet last night, and they were no Oasis, let me tell you. I don't think we'll ever be having a top secret Jet Week. But CA loves them both, so I can see why he'd write such crazy things. Best CA Oasis Comparison Ever: After Aussie band Motor Ace released the song Carry On, which sounded exactly like an Oasis song, in particular Cast No Shadow, CA called them Motor O-Aces. See? He combined both band names to imply that they sounded quite similar. It was very clever. EDIT: It's come to my attention that this week's HiT was a giant shout out to me. I mean, have a look at this evidence. This was actually a giant pic in the middle of the mag: 
Hello? My name, under Liz Phair? Above a picture of Jet? Right next to a bit about Oasis? And then there was that review. That was highly random really, comparing Look What You've Done to Wonderwall. CA is obviously joining in with top secret Oasis Week and it's clear he is my biggest fan, just as I am his. Tuesday, April 27
Roll With It 
Michael, I found out something else you have in common with your secret hero: *Liam Gallagher's favourite TV show is Neighbours* It's all coming together isn't it. Exciting News 
We are number one (and two) on Google for 'I've got a car, I've got a big black shiny car'. I was thinking we were getting a fuckload of referrals for that every day. What I really wonder though, is why exactly people are searching for it. I mean, it could be because it's lyric of the year so far, and it's definitely third best song of the year, after the fabulous Pete Murray and the not-as-good-as-Liam Courtney Love. But still, I have to wonder what people are hoping to find. But we're proud to be the home of any car-related song. Cast No Shadow 
I'm so shocked by Michael's decision to join in with Top Secret Oasis Week I think I'll do my all new-and-improved Oasis Top 5 as well. Though M, for someone who claims to hate The O and to not even be able to tell them apart, you sure are quick with the Fact Attacks and the Top 5 Lists. *Top 5 Most Bonza Oasis Songs: 1. Live Forever 2. Cast No Shadow 3. Supersonic 4. The Masterplan 5. Some Might Say * PS. I think Oasis are much much better than the Beatles * Totally - M. IT'S THE WAY YOU SAY IT...: 
Is she English? Is she Australian? Is she Welsh? Get thee to The Sleepover Club, Alex Cartana (and take your rubbish single with you, as well)! IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM...: Otherwise known as Top Five Songs With People Off Oasis On Them That Aren't That Bad. Well I'm shocked. - C 1. 'Don't Look Back In Anger'. 2. That single that one of them did, probably with Chemical Brothers, with the dancing girls in the video. 3. 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'. 4. 'She's Electric'. 5. 'Who Feels Love?'. Completely wrong, but well done - C Monday, April 26
PURPLE REIGN: It's a shame that Rage programming week was cancelled, because Prince's 'Musicology' video is tops! The kid dancing around the hoover is the coolest kid ever, and Prince looks...well, fucking horrible, but Prince has always looked fucking horrible, and it's nice to be consistant in your image. Prince's comeback could have been really, really shit. But it's not. Especially given that, now that he's returned, we might get rid of LIAM AND COURTNEY: That's the spirit! - Crystal Liam and Courtney were friends whilst Courtney was in London (That particular pic was taken in New York - C), recording her album, abusing airport attendants, dressing up as Donald Duck to perform with Sir Elton and taking all her clothes off for a Q magazine photoshoot (and then suing them for putting pictures of her kinky bits on their front cover). According to Courtney, they recorded a version of 'Songbird', which she has on tape. Liam is denying all knowledge. Which is only fair, really, when you consider that, standing next to Courtney, his attempts at being 'proper rock'n'roll, man' look even more feeble than usual (Probably the other way round I'd say - C). People can say what they want about her music, but Courtney is rock, personified - M. HILARIOUS PUN WATCH: 
There Are Many Things That I Would Like To Say To You But I Don't Know How Michael, I have a great picture for you: 
Plus something else you'll love: "My favourite book is The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. I like it. I like that thing of just going into a wardrobe" - Liam G See all the things you have in common? I can tell you're coming round... Another Sunny Afternoon, Walking To The Sound Of My Favourite Tune 
Fabulous? Unfourtunatly, yes It seems we've got the rather bonza Jess from Ausculture confused about Now I know sometimes it's a little bit hard to tell, because if I either love or hate something, either way I will go on about it like I love it. But in the spirit of mystery solving, Today Is Gonna Be The Day that we will reveal whether the love is real or fake for a few things. Honestly Love: - Pete Murray - Stingray - Oasis* - Marky Mark Honestly Hate: - Sting - Rage - Stu - Life Mechanics Undecided: The Js, Taj, Millsy Now, just to add a bit of further mystery to it, at least 3 of those were in the wrong place. Can you figure it out? Sunday, April 25
We're All Part Of A Masterplan Who's This Then? It's the Famous Five, here to solve the mystery! 
* And they... Will dance if they want to dance Please brother take a chance You know they're gonna go Which way they wanna go All we know is that we don't know.* Hmmm Some Might Say That Sunshine Follows Thunder  "I hate people who say they only write songs for themselves and if anyone else likes it it's a bonus. If people don't like Oasis they're shit." - Noel G
PS. Oasis are very very bonza. Top secret message.* There's a top secret message in this post written in invisible ink. If you are very clever you'll be able to find it, but if you're not you won't. And from now on there won't be any warning about when secret messages are going to appear. HAVE YOU GOT IT...?: I've not commented on this yet, because I felt a little bit guilty, given that Scary Spice was my one-time favourite Spice Girl, but, since we're open to political discussion (again) this week/month/year, I thought now might be a good time. Mel B is going to be playing manager on The X-Factor, Pop Idol: The Rivals for anyone over sixteen. That's Mel B. Mel B who limped into the charts somewhere in the upper twenties and then bombed out not long after. Mel B who was one of the first Spice Girls knocked off in the great Virgin culling of 2000. Mel B who - despite being ace - is really quite unutterably shit. This could be compulsive viewing. Well now we've all done it. I don't know what I've done, but I do know I've fucked something up. It's so big and white and grey... mmm...how pretty... Saturday, April 24
Serious Political Issue Of The Day Consider if you will, this review from Thursday's HiT: Shannon Noll 'Drive' This Bryan Adams penned grunter (presumably he never used it because of it's Wiggles-like lyrical simplicity) is perfect for Nolly. And when he's finished being Bryan he channels Barnsey for Working Class Man. Now, when do we get to hear the real Shannon?
2 1/2 Stars Hold up Cam. "I've got a car, I've got a big black shiny car" is lyric of the year so far. It's flat out tops and it's nothing at all like 'Big Red Car'. Let's look at them to compare: Shannon Noll: 'I've got a car, I've got a big black shiny car, maybe tonight we can go for a ride' The Wiggles: 'Toot toot chugga chugga big red car, we'll travel near and we'll travel far, we're gonna ride the whole day long' See, totally different. Shannon's car is big and black, whereas The Wiggle's car is big and red. They both want to go for a ride, but that's where the similarity ends. I can't see anything else they have in common apart from the fact that they both belong to the 'car' genre of song. Erm, hang on... maybe we should get the expert in... 
C: Stuart, do these two songs seem the same to you? S:'Well, yeah they do in a way because you see Shannon's...' C:What? Not in English Stu! In Life Mechanics! S:'Erm...they're both on the road to success?' C: Yes they are, thank you. That's that solved then. All You Can Do Is, Step Back In Time 
Hello. Welcome to the month of March, 2004. We're loving George Michael's new album out this week and in celebration we're engaging in some serious political discussions. I am really worried about the upcoming election for leader of the universe - Sky vs Heidi, and what about Sky's new blonde hair! We'll have to make 30 posts on that subject! I've also made a very important decision - I Believe In A Thing Called Love is the Best Song Of All Time! It's true! Now, if only a website would start an online TV show staring Ben Cousins as a children's TV host. Then it would be the best week ever! TELL ME WHY, OH WHY: THE SCANDAL!: Crystal, you'll be surprised to hear, is right - Neighbours has become very, very strange since the start of the new season. Top Five Things Which Have Happened Or Are Supposed To Be Going To Happen On All New Neighbours Which Would Never, Ever Have Happened On All Old Neighbours: 1. Stingray. 2. 3. Susan and Karl's divorce - Susan and Karl were supposed to be together forever. 4. Susan in her 'sexy' lingery - this is like seeing your Mum in 'sexy' lingery, only much, much worse, because it's not your Mum, it's Susan, who is even saintlier than your Mum, and is a teacher, and 5. Izzy's baby/The mystery father - if it's Karl, I think I'm going to need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Friday, April 23
SORRY ABOUT THIS Without naming any names, SOMEBODY broke the Pavilion, so we've just got this temporary one till I get home to change it. The last saved version I have is George's House Of Political Discussion, so just be looking forward to that. In the meantime, who wants to file a class action against Channel 10 for distress caused after last night's episode of Neighbours? KARL: (To Izzy) 'You kissed me, and I know you wanted more....much more' I had to block my ears and cover my eyes at the same time as trying to change the channel. WHAT has happened? This is NOT Karl Kennedy as we have come to know and love him. I hate this new Neighbours. Damn that Mel C - Michael. VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!: We interrupt this Rage broadcast 
He's here. And he's perfect. IN OTHER NEWS: Have the Neighbours writers ever explained why the Rebecchi family are named after aquatic animals? Thursday, April 22
WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH: We interrupt Rage: The Love Pavilion special to bring you this important announcement... Never, ever, ever search for Mel C on Google Images. Wednesday, April 21
We Interrupt The Program... 
Apparently, the fabulous Pete Murray is off to 'Europe' this Sunday. And, also apparently, his London gig has already sold out. The fabulous Pete Murray has gone international! Tuesday, April 20
NO SCRUBS: Michael: The 'Bag It Up' video is not quite fun, it's fucking excellent, wouldn't you agree, Chooka? Stuart: Don't call me Chooka. Michael: Why not? Stuart: I hate it. Michael: Oh, alright then. This next 
'A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly...' 
'If you don't have a car and you're walkin'...' BAG IT UP Crystal: Now it's time for a clip from MY favourite Spice Girl Stu: Mel C? C: That's not even something to joke about Stuart. S: I guess...Geri then? C: That's correct. I've chosen the 'Bag It Up' clip, because it's just a great song, and the clip is quite fun and pink S: One of my favourite clips too 
'Woah woah woah woah, lady'  
LET'S DANCE Stu: Hmm, only one song done yesterday... Crystal: I think we need to unpark ourselves from the garage S: I think it's time for the Greatest Pop Video Ever C: Yes, it IS time for the Greatest Pop Video Ever. It's Five with 'Let's Dance' S: So why is this clip so good, would you say? C: It's just an absolute bonza. The best bit would have to be the cardboard Sean, but the whole thing is just an experiment in bonzaness. S: That makes about as much sense as Life Mechanics you know. C: Anyway, it's a very bonza clip from a very bonza band 
'Music is my life, cos my life is music, the beat of the drum in your heart...let's dance!'  
Monday, April 19
NO GOOD ADVICE Crystal: This next song was the best song of last year... Stu: And also, probably in the top twenty pop songs of all time C: Definitely. The clip is pretty fantastic too. The tamborines are probably the highlight... S: They're my favourite bit C: For sure. Here it is Girls Aloud 'No Good Advice' 'Here I go, on the road, crank the stereo' 
'I don't need no good advice, I've already wasted...' 
'I don't need no bedtime prayer, cos frankly I don't even care' 
IMPORTANT WARNING The last three entries do not count. Michael, I don't know where you got the idea that Rage was some kind of joke, because it's actually serious. You are breaking rules and not doing it properly. A) It appears as though you are just posting random clips. Especially as you admitted that you don't even like the last song, and just wanted to do a dedication/tease the funny line clip. You are supossed to be picking clips or songs that you really love/have infuenced your music/ and that are important to you B) You can't do those lengthy introductions for the clip. It's not the Rage 'style'. The colonel doesn't approve and neither do I. C) You don't dedicate the clips, and you don't comment on the song after it has played. You also don't make jokes about the song. D) Dirrty is shit. Please do it properly. Thank you. AUTOMATIC: Michael: I want to send a special shout out to my girl Alyson With A Y over at The Pop - she's having a baby! Now, this next song was ace, in retrospect, but at the time I was too concerned with The Whatmore having been the rubbish girl who should never have gotten into the Pop Idol final fifty in the first and who, despite what certain people have to say, did not look 'so sexy'. But, listening to it a good year and a bit later, it's actually tops. Whatever happened to The Whatmore? I think this is a case for Spy Girl Claire - it might prove easier than tracking down Tymes 4... 
'I'm a one-legged bass-lovin' lady...' Michael: You certainly are, Sarah! Don't comment on the song after it's finished. IT HAPPENS EVERYTIME (DOWN ON DREAMSTREET): Michael: It's time for some straight-up, no-nonsense, camp pop from America's premiere pubescent boyband, Dream Street! Now, I know what you're thinking: 'What's Michael doing, playing a song by a boyband - he hates them!'. Actually, you're probably not thinking that at all, since I blew my cover not long ago with a torrent of boyband top fives, but if you need justification, Dream Street were ace, what being in an American boyband should be about - sod 'going hip hop', trying to be credible and recording songs with Nelly, give me covering the A*Teens, recording blatant Max Martin rip-offs and singing in five-part harmonies, any day! Dream Street were pure, unadulterated pop - but they were hard to the core! They split up a while ago, after accusing their management of forcing them to watch porn and partake in other ungodly activities - rock on, brothers! This is 'It Happens Everytime'. 
'Can you hear the music playing? Can you feel the rhythm swaing? This is the sound of dreams come true...' Michael: Look! One of them's forgotten how to do the dance! Hilarious! DIRRTY: Michael: What on earth is Quentin Tarantino doing here? He's rubbish! But, look! He's brought his friend, Afro Harold! Afro Harold: Word up, homeboy! Michael: Word up, Harold! Bet you've brought the next video for us, eh, mate? Afro Harold: I certainly have. Michael: Care to tell us what it is? Afro Harold: What? Um, oh, ah, yes! This is Christina Aguilera with a frivolous little ditty titled 'Dirrty' - that's with two Rs, apparently. Oh, I like Christina - she is a saucy little minx. Michael: That she is, Harold. That she is. 
'It's explosive speakers are jumpin' - OH!...' Michael: That's actually a tops song, wouldn't you agree, Harold? Afro Harold: What? Um, oh, ah, yes! Yes I would! Lovely breasts - very shapely. Michael: Nurse! CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD Crystal: Wasn't Quentin Tarantino brilliant as a guest judge on Idol? Stu: Yeah C: Can we get him in for the Rage Programming? S: I guess Quentin: Hey folks C: G'day. You're just in time for a Kylie track Q: Oh yeah, this song is the bomb C: It sure is. 'La la la, la la la la la'  
'La la la, la la la la la'  
Sunday, April 18
GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN: Michael: Right, Stuart, let's introduce the next song - I think we should play 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', by Cyndi Lauper. Stuart: Oh, yeah, that'd be hilarious! Michael: No, Stuart. It's actually a very touching song, about the trials and tribulations of a teenaged girl who, despite the pressures of modern life, just wants to have fun. Stuart: Oh, yeah, totally. Michael: I knew you'd agree. It's not actually Cyndi Lauper's best song - that would be her cover of Prince's 'When You Were Mine', closely followed by her cover of 'Money Changes Everything' - but she didn't make any videos for them, so we're going to have to make do with this one. 
'I come home in the middle of the night my father says, 'When you gonna live your life right?'...' Michael: Cyndi was quite hot back in the day, wouldn't you agree, Stuart? Stuart: Totally. PAPA DON'T PREACH Crystal: You know what, we're extending this Rage Guest Programming gig untill we've got through the entire 40 songs. Stu: Cool. Incidently Crystal, did you realise that you spelled 'programming' wrong up the top in the black? C: Yeah, two days ago. S: So why didn't you fix it? C: Because shut up. S: Alright, what's the next 'jam' we're playing? C: It's a song by the very popular artist Kelly Osbourne S: Ah, she is very popular isn't she? C: She's beloved by all is Kelly. We're playing her doppest song, 'Papa Don't Preach': 
'Papa I know you're going to be upset...'  
ICE ICE BABY: Michael: You know, I don't know why, but I get the feeling we've been neglecting someone this weekend... The Colonel: Yes? Michael: Colonel! The Colonel: Well, it's about fucking time, chaps! Michael: We're so sorry. Say, why don't you help me introduce the next video - that'll make up for us neglecting your friendship all weekend! The Colonel: Very well - this next 'tight-ass joint' is, according to popular belief, 'fly' on a 'dope tip' - I'm not entirely sure I would agree with that, but it is jolly merry tune. Michael: Let's take it back to the old school with some straight up gangsta shit - this is Vanilla Ice. 
Dung-dung-dung-du-du-dung-dung... OUTSIDE: Michael: So, you like being called Stu, do you? Stuart: Not really. Michael: I thought as much. You know, I want to use this weekend not only to play some tight ass joints, but to get to know the real Stuart Parker. What would you like me to call you? Stuart: Well, you know, since I was a kid I- Michael: I asked for an answer, not an autobiography. Stuart: Oh, right. Officer Parker. Michael: Really? Stuart: Yeah, totally. Michael: Okay, Officer, care to introduce the next video? Stuart: Yeah, sure. Well, this next clip is kind of topical, given that we've just been talking about the police force and all, and I'm currently training to be a policema- Michael: The song, Stuart. Stuart: Officer Parker. Michael: Whatever. Stuart: This is George Michael with 'Outside'. I like the bit where the toilets turn around. Michael: Yeah, me too. 
'Let's go outside...' Crystal - Did someone say The Police?.... DRIVE Stu: Right, it's MY turn to pick a clip... C: Yeah, this is a good song though S: Well of course it is. It's Shannon Noll 'Drive' C: Out tomorrow as well. I'm gonna get a copy S: I hope it gets to number one (Stu sings along) 'I've got a car...I've got a big black shiny car, maybe tonight we can go for a ride!' 
'Let's drive! Anywhere you wanna go I will take you there baby, take you there baby. Let's drive!' 
KARMA POLICE (aka Token Ironical Pop Clip) Stu: Oh man...I can't believe you picked this Crystal: I know...our friends are gonna give us such a hard time tomorrow S: Give YOU a hard time. Let me just state for the record - I did not approve of this clip C: Aw come on Stu...it's kinda good to dance to... it always gets people up dancing at a party S: No way...man, this is a shocker... C: Aw, come on Stu, I've caught you dancing around to your Radiohead records! S: I do not own any Radiohead records! That's a lie! C: Yeah you do. Come on, admit it....they're kinda fun...they do get you smiling. S: No way. This is shameful. C: Yeah, I know....ah well, it's just for a laugh...erm, I hope we can live this down...I mean, it is just to get you up dancing and stuff....so here it is, Radiohead 'Karma Police'..... 'Karma police....arrest this man, he talks in maths...' 
(Just for the record, I do like this song, so it's going on the sidebar) U CAN'T TOUCH THIS Crystal: Now, it's time for my favourite song ever.... Stu: 'Time'? C: Sorry. 'Hammertime' S: Yes, it's the Hammer himself, with 'U Can't Touch This' 'My my my my, music keeps me, so hard! Makes me say "Oh my Lord" ' 
'Sound the bell, school's back in suckers!'  
'Stop! Hammertime!' 
'Everytime you see me, the Hammer's just so hype. I'm dope on the floor and I'm magic on the mike!' 
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THE LATEST CRAZE - MP3 BLOGS!:THANK ME FOR THE MUSIC BANG & BURN INTO THE GROOVE SUPERVIXXEN (Not just mp3s though that one...but digging the Spice vibe)  There are many things that I would like to say to you... WHY NOT CHECK OUT CLAIRE'S FAVOURITE FILM: 'LOVE FOREVER'?  It's all about Blur - and loving them forever! CFBGOESPOP Loves Blur, Hates Oasis. WE.HAVE.PROOF AUSCULTURE Gulity - of being tops! As is: THEIR BIG BROTHER BLOG They've discovered the correlation between Crystal's Love For A Contestant and Likelihood Of Being Voted Out Immediately ZBONZAK Kickin' it old school with a fly '98 tip JONNY'S SITE Possibly written by Ben Affleck. No, definitely. SEX KITTEN Let's stop this religious war guys! Give peace a chance. POPJUSTICE There are no laws at the seaside! I don't know who Sam & Mark are, but I do find that quite hilarious DIRRRTY POP Joining the congregation! SOAP-DISCO Thank you for taking a CA Approved Stance on Morrissey DAMON.COM Some days we're checking out this site, some days we've gone right off Blur again. MORE LINKS TO COME We're not too good for links you know, so please, if you have a site or if I've forgotten it please email the address and I will add it.
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