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ARCHIVES! EMAIL AWAY! STU TAKES US THROUGH HIS FANTASTIC CAREER CHOICES  'Hello, I'm stu - always taking the freeway to success, always following the speed limit. As you can see, I even wear a helmet whilst driving - that's for just a little bit more saftey, which is always the legal way.  One of the happiest times of my life was when I joined the cult of Life Mechanics I soon got into gear and took a seat in the driving lane of life  My friends were all pretty surportive 
Fame at last! It was something of an irony that the colapse of Life Mechanics forced me to live in my car  Now that I was literally in the parking lot of life, I needed a new direction So I joined The Police 
And now I solve all your pop problems - the legal way!
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Friday, July 30
Standing To Attention: I lost my erection for a while back there - all of this Madonna appreciation has been a bit too extreme for my entirely vanilla tastes - but now that Fly Girl C and her pal, WOMP, have gotten Madonna's 'What was she thinking?'-era over and done with, we can get into the groove and start officially reviewing the holy trinity of Madonna albums... Ray Of Light - The Official Review: Ray Of Light, of course, isn't the holiest of the albums in the holy trinity in that it's not nearly as good as Music or American Life, but it is very holy, both in quality and in content. Everybody knows that the title track is amongst Madonna's greatest hits, but what most people don't know is that 'Drowned World/Substitute For Love' is actually better than 'Ray Of Light' - even if it is Madonna being worldly and angsty, she does it very well, and the middle eight where it all goes a bit spaztastic is incredible. 'Candy Perfume Girl' is, and has been for a while, my favourite song on the album - there's something delightfully perverse about Our Glorious Leader opening a song with, 'Young velvet porcelain boy/Debour me', and, again, the spaztastic middle eight - 'Did! I! Lie! To! You!' - is fantastic. It sags a bit in the middle, which is where it's flawed - with the exception of 'Nothing Really Matters' and the sheer shit show of 'Shanti Shinga' or whatever it's called, everything starts to sound a bit samey. But 'Frozen' and 'The Power Of Goodbye' are some of the most beautiful songs Madonna has ever produced, 'Little Star' is adorable, and 'Mer Girl' is, erm, certainly interesting. As an era Ray Of Light heralded a cringe-worthy, embarassing Madonna, noncing about in geisha outfits, pretending she was of an ethnic minority and generally making a bit of a dick of herself. But, to be fair, everybody was noncing about in geisha outfits, pretending to be of an ethnic minority and generally making dicks of themselves in 1998 - even Spice Girls gave 'Spice Up Your Life' a jaunty Asian vibe when they performed it in India for Top of the Pops - and, even when she's making a dick of herself, Madonna is dedicated. Thursday, July 29
HiT Me Baby One More Time 
Well...Ben Affleck was on the cover...strangely. And that's really all there was of note. Except for a funny Human Nature review, as well. Meanwhile, I've had a lot of responses to the ad...we'll have to sort through them and start interviewing candidates. Stu's Replacement Look, I've just placed an ad in the paper. It's probably the easist way. 
Hopefully we'll get some good applicants, and the interviewing process can begin. Stay tuned, because I think this is going to be a long one... Wednesday, July 28
Stu's Replacement Ever since Stu resigned almost two months ago, we have not heard a word from him around these parts. I'm afraid all our contract negotiations fell through, and Stu says he has quit for good. 
So we're going to need a replacement. We still want a Neighbours character, and we still want a crime angle. And whereas Stu likes to fight crime, Darcy likes to create it: 
It's been great having Darcy back on the show. He's always been one of the few characters I've genuinely liked, and he also appears to have gone a shade of ginger. I'm not sure how...or why. Are the inmates at Erinsborough Prison allowed to have visits from Lyn or something? Those are definitely some highlights he's received. The bad thing is, once Lou inevitably gets out, we will stop seeing Darcy. Because I'm sure they are not going to free him at the same time. But, we are considering him for Stu's replacement. It's still not final, and we might have a look at some other candidates over the coming days, but he is a front-runner. Monday, July 26
Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Eight: Bedtime Stories 
Now, I know I said everything Madonna did in the 90's was tops as, but...Bedtime Stories does try to break that rule. The problem is...half the songs on it are 5 dogs, and the other half are 1 dogs. Actually, as there are 11 songs, it must be split more like 5 - 6. Anyway, let's have a look at what songs fall into which category. 5 Dogs: 
- Survival - Secret - Human Nature - Love Tried To Welcome Me - Santuary - Take A Bow 1 Dog:
- I'd Rather Be Your Lover - Don't Stop - Inside Of Me - Forbidden Love - Bedtime Story The first six really are brilliant, and the last 5 really are shit. OFFICIAL Official Rain Review Boy, it sure took me a while to get back to this. I had to have a serious think though, and also dig out my Rain single. 
Rain was, if you remember, the first song in Madonna's back catalogue, and also in history, to recieve 6 Dogs. First of all, let's look at one of Fly Guy M's 'criticisms' of Erotica though: 'the production is so dated' Actually, I AGREE on that point, except for 'Rain'. The production on Rain is beautiful and sounds just as bonza today as it did 12 years ago. Rain Single, Track-By-Track Review 1. Rain - Radio Remix This is quite nice, but it looses the greatness of the album version. It's too...thin? I don't know, it's a bit off, anyway.
2. Waiting - Remix
3. Up Down Suite One of Madonna's rare b-sides...And terribly awful. It's 12 minutes of...random sayings of 'Up, up, up, down' over dance music.
4. Rain - Album Version Finally, the masterpiece. Reasons Rain is particularily bonza: - The verses. Are they spoken, or are they sung? The answer is - you can't tell, and that is the genius of it. - 'Raiiiiiin' - brilliant. - BUT, there actually IS a spoken word interlude...'waiting is the hardest thing...' The best part of it, is that she is saying TWO things, over the top of each other - At one stage, an aeroplane takes off. Oh, and right at the end, you can hear the 'rain'. Now if that's not worth:
I don't know what is. The film clip is awesome too: Saturday, July 24
Bring Back Leo (Don't worry, EMAM is resuming shortly) 
Last night Neighbour's episode was titled 'Shazza 4EVA, and one of the main plots revolved around Stingray having his pet guina pig's name tattooed on his arse. It was possibly an all-time low. My Lord it has been shit lately. I am quite enjoying the Stu/Oliva/Mac/Jack storyline, because it looks like it's going somewhere interesting and involves Stu, but that's about it. I'd tell you what storyline the need to resurrect, but I think it's pretty obvious.... Friday, July 23
Interlude - The Popjustice £20 Music Prize: I thought I'd better comment on this, before we got onto reviewing the holy trinity of Madonna albums and I forgot it was happening. This years shortlist can be broken into two categories - 'Good' and 'What Were They Thinking? That's Shit!'. Standby for some controversial opinions - if anybody is thinking about turning up on the judging panel, you might want to start sharpening your pitchfork now. Good: Emma Bunton, 'Maybe' - I'd usually jump at the chance of championing my newly-appointed favourite-former-Spice Girl-who-still-acknowledges-she-was-a-Spice Girl and scream down to the capital amidst a cloud of Emma Bunton propoganda, but my loyalties are torn between my two favourite artists on the 19 roster, Emma and Rachel Stevens. What's a boy to do? Busted, 'Crashed The Wedding' - 'Where's 'Who's David'?', I hear you cry. That's what I was thinking. 'Who's David' is heaps better than this. But it's Busted, and I'm loyal, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they only shortlisted the shittest song Busted have released this year because they want to fix it so Girls Aloud or Rachel Stevens wins. Girls Aloud, 'The Show' - I'm back to liking it again, so it stays, and it'll probably win. But, good as it is, it won't be getting my vote. McFly, 'Five Colours In Her Hair' - Ordinarily you'd hear me cry, 'Let's hear it for the boys!', but when the boys are up against a former Spice Girl and Rachel Stevens' greatest hits, I'm afraid they're going to have to take a backseat. Sorry, Danny. I'll make it up to you eventually... Rachel Stevens, 'Some Girls' - Rachel Stevens - void as she is of any personality - is the perfect vehicle for Richard X's robopop, and if this were her only entry I'd want it to win. But it's not. So I don't. Rachel Stevens, 'Sweet Dreams My LA Ex' - 'Baby that tongue ain't wel-come uh-round here'. I think we have a winner... Limbo: Will Young, 'Leave Right Now' - I can't decide whether I like this or not. I know that Jessica will be championing it, and Crystal will tell me that I like it, and that I once sat in the back of a taxi wishing I'd written it. But I don't. It's a little bit weak. What Were They Thinking? That's Shit!: Jamelia, 'Superstar' - I quite like Jamelia, but I still think she's a bit shit, so we'll file this under Popstars I Don't Get and we'll leave it at that. Javine, 'Surrender' - It's going to take more than a few trumpets and a natty haircut for you to become the UK's answer to Beyonce, Ms. Hilton. Keane, 'Somewhere Only We Know' - What were they thinking? It's not that Keane don't make pop music. It's that Keane don't make good music. 'Somewhere Only We Know' is rubbish! Shaznay Lewis, 'Never Felt Like This Before' - More disappointing than anything - Shaznay was All Saints, and, when they weren't berating the Spice Girls and thinking they were the most important musical movement since The Beatles, All Saints were quite good. So it was a shame that she would come back after such a longtime with this, the Mel B album-filler that never was. Sugababes, 'Hole In The Head' - Controversial! It's just noise. Not even attractively-packaged noise. Just noise. See you in September... Wednesday, July 21
The Problem With Erotica - The Official Review: 
The problem with Erotica is that it has the makings of a classic Madonna album, but it's just shit. It's so poorly realised, and the production is so dated - it sounds a lot older than it is, no doubt a result of Shep Pettibone's production. I really don't like the music Madonna with this man. 'Rescue Me', 'Erotica', 'Bad Girl', 'Thief Of Hearts' - they're all fantastic songs, ruined by the fact that listening to them makes your head hurt, and your ears bleed. It's not all bad news, though - I still think 'Secret Garden' and the SEX Book remix of 'Erotica' ('I'm not a witch/I'm a love technician') are amongst her best work, and the artwork one the Erotica album is really good. I like 1992 as an era for Madonna - the SEX Book is a fine peice of work, and her persona at the time was fantastic - it's just a shame that she was putting out such shit music, because Madonna, however stupid she gets, always puts out good music. Roll on Something To Remember - pointless as it was, it signals Madonna's return to form, and the second best cover version of her career... Actually, 'Bedtime Stories' is next... But Bedtime Stories has only got three good songs on it... - Michael. Madonna's Albums Chronologically Reviewed Part Seven: Erotica 
Erotica is so good it's taken us two days to prepare the review. Think I'm joking? Well, yeah it didn't take two days, but Erotica IS that good. It is one of only 5 TRUE Five Dog Albums ever. The thing is, both of us have already done track-by-track reviews of Erotica. First of all, there was Michael's - which was completely, 100% wrong. Then there was mine - done in a post I rather fantastically titled 'Extreme Erotica Appreciation', a whole entire 14 months before it's time. Now, while my review was completely correct at the time, I will now go through the album and bring it up to date, and add some dogs. 
1. Erotica CLASS all the way.
2. Fever Look, this song is the ONE complaint I have about the whole album. It would be so much better if it just wasn't here. But anyway, we have to deal with it. 
3. Bye Bye Baby 'I know I love you, because I hate you'. That line is a little bit how I feel about this song. It's on one hand terrible, and on the other brilliant.
4. Deeper And Deeper One of my most absolute favourite Madonna songs ever. Not least because she references her own song by singing a bit of Vogue at the end.
5. Where Life Begins All the verses are spoken!! That's enough for me.
6. Bad Girl Comes with the Mel C seal of approval, which says a lot
(No, in all seriousness, Bad Girl is a classic) 7. Waiting Probably just a bit too hip-hop and hardcore for me, but I still love it. Heaps more spoken parts here, and a rap bit.
8. Thief Of Hearts A bit reminiscent of 'Rescue Me', in a way.
9. Words I LOVE Words. And I am the Only.Person.On.The.Planet. Which I just can't understand...it's makes me question society.
10. Rain Ok, this is a tough call...but I would probably say Rain is my favourite song on the album. The reasons Rain is one of the greatest songs ever are too many and varied to go into here, but I WILL honor it by giving it the world's first bonus Sixth Dog. Call me a fool, but I know I'm not
In fact - Exclusive News: Rain will be receiving it's own special review shortly. 11. Why's It So Hard? Not since the time she asked that OTHER question - Where's The Party? - has Madonna sung about 'challenging the system' so well.
12. In This Life Ignore my old review of this, because I think I wrote that in the era I was a bit anti-ballad. And now I am very much pro.
13. Did You Do It? Ok, I can get away with giving this Zero Dogs, because it's just a 'Waiting' remix, with rappers, and hardly any Madonna on it. 14. Secret Garden Finishing off one the most bonza albums EVER, with...well, a bit of an average song really. But I still like it.
As you might know by now, I really can't give Erotica enough praise. It's one of the most underrated albums that has ever been made, and it is a work of genius.
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THE LATEST CRAZE - MP3 BLOGS!:THANK ME FOR THE MUSIC BANG & BURN INTO THE GROOVE SUPERVIXXEN (Not just mp3s though that one...but digging the Spice vibe)  There are many things that I would like to say to you... WHY NOT CHECK OUT CLAIRE'S FAVOURITE FILM: 'LOVE FOREVER'?  It's all about Blur - and loving them forever! CFBGOESPOP Loves Blur, Hates Oasis. WE.HAVE.PROOF AUSCULTURE Gulity - of being tops! As is: THEIR BIG BROTHER BLOG They've discovered the correlation between Crystal's Love For A Contestant and Likelihood Of Being Voted Out Immediately ZBONZAK Kickin' it old school with a fly '98 tip JONNY'S SITE Possibly written by Ben Affleck. No, definitely. SEX KITTEN Let's stop this religious war guys! Give peace a chance. POPJUSTICE There are no laws at the seaside! I don't know who Sam & Mark are, but I do find that quite hilarious DIRRRTY POP Joining the congregation! SOAP-DISCO Thank you for taking a CA Approved Stance on Morrissey DAMON.COM Some days we're checking out this site, some days we've gone right off Blur again. MORE LINKS TO COME We're not too good for links you know, so please, if you have a site or if I've forgotten it please email the address and I will add it.
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