Thursday, February 5

Get Ready For The Bob Comedy Revolution
The series of the world's worst reality show, The Bachelor, that featured Bob just finished here last week, and reading HiT this morning I was horrified to read that Bob has released a CD.

This sounded too hilarious not to investigate, so that's what I did. I wasn't prepared for just how hilarious it was going to be though. I thought Rise Up could never be topped for 'Worst Lyrics Ever', but I was very wrong.

Bob's debut single 'Girlfriend' is just....well...there really are no words. If completely stupid, inane and nonsensical lyrics are your thing you'll probably love it.

I think the chorus is the worst bit, especially the last line....

'Do you think you could bring me my girlfriend and a bottle of wine?
Bring me her future just make sure it's mine.
Will you open the window but leave out the cold?
Could you make a phone call to Jesus to clean up my soul?'

Yep, Rise Up can't even compete with that line.

Some other gems:

'Still rain on the runway
But I'm doing okay
I've got cigarettes to kiss'

None of that makes sense. None of it.

Here's some top rhyming:

'If I'll fly out tomorrow,
If I'll see her tomorrow'

But mainly it's just inane lyrics like this:

'I know I should be sleeping
But it's too soon to tell'

So deep and meaningful there, Bob.

I wouldn't be so hard on it if weren't all so earnest, and very Matchbox 20 sounding.

Admission: It's very very catchy. I sort of love it. But it's AWFUL.

Anyway, a quick look through the album track lyrics show even worse things. 'Bleed On' sounds a bit heavy for Bob The Bachelor, especially this bit:

'So wrapped up in me
With the chains that hold you in my head
Hold you down to bleed

I forced it on you
Tell me how it feels to beg for me
I'll tell you what to do'

Oh dear, Bob.

Ok...I'm willing to forgive 'Girlfriend' after reading the lyrics to 'Slow 44':

'The colors bleed in from the downslide, it's always been a part of the game
You're still standing around in squares wondering who's to blame'

Yes, make sure you're standing around in squares when you're wondering who to blame kids. Not circles, or triangles. They're no good.

'You won't waste your time on lonely tales and nursery rhymes
Waste your time on clouded words and borrowed time but I have...I have to'

'But can you heart gets darker with the sun?'

Er, does it? And when does the sun get dark? Maybe he means the earth. Or does Bob mean that the brighter the sun gets the darker his heart gets? That's just, again, so very very deep there Bob.

'Happiness will be the death of you'

Oh fuck off Bob. That's a great message for the kids.

I have a feeling I really should buy this album. Apart from 'Girlfriend' the official site only has 30 second samplers of the rest of the songs. That's teasing!

No really, if 'Girlfriend' is anything to go by, I'll be able to simultaneously enjoy the music whilst laughing my head off at the lyrics. And that's just good entertainment.

Anyway, I'll think about it. As Bob would ask 'How long can you feed on the fire that you never get to feel?'