|
ARCHIVES! EMAIL AWAY! STU TAKES US THROUGH HIS FANTASTIC CAREER CHOICES  'Hello, I'm stu - always taking the freeway to success, always following the speed limit. As you can see, I even wear a helmet whilst driving - that's for just a little bit more saftey, which is always the legal way.  One of the happiest times of my life was when I joined the cult of Life Mechanics I soon got into gear and took a seat in the driving lane of life  My friends were all pretty surportive 
Fame at last! It was something of an irony that the colapse of Life Mechanics forced me to live in my car  Now that I was literally in the parking lot of life, I needed a new direction So I joined The Police 
And now I solve all your pop problems - the legal way!
|
Saturday, August 30
Delightful Mistake: According to The Mighty Popjustice, Our Patron Saint's new album features a song called It Happens Every Time. If this happens to be a cover of a song by Dream Street I may be forced to cry and cry and cry. It Happens Every Time makes Stoopid Mistake sound like Mozart. And it's tops. Best Bits Of Baby One More Time Ever: 1. I must confess/That my loneliness/Is killing me now-owowowow/Don't you know I still beleive. 2. The three-notes-of-piano intro. 3. Oh, baby, baby. 4. Oh pri-tee babeh. 5. The Huh-huh-uh percussion. Friday, August 29
On The E.T Tip 
Entertainment Tonight have a new much hyped presenter 'Cojo', who's been bought in to spice up the show and make it a bit more hip. I was thinking 'yeah, he's ok, better than the others at least', but that was before he revealed himself to be, yes, a Booty Inspector! He was interviewing my new favourite singer Kelly Clarkson:.... 
...when, they had the following conversation: Cojo: 'What are you wearing to the VMAs Kelly?' Kelly: 'Well hopefully something fitted at the waist, cos you know, that's the smallest part of me. I've got some booty going on!' Cojo takes a look (or 'makes an inspection', if you will) Cojo: 'Looks allright to me!' (Kelly laughs.) He's obviously been taking part in Hector's Kitchen, the new reality show where Hector takes some naive youngsters and teaches them how to 'cook up a mean booty inspection'. And he's certainly come out top of the class! Marky Mark Baby Watch 
Today, you may have noticed, is August 29. August 29 is the due date for Marky Mark's baby, so it is literally due to arrive any tick of the clock. This is very very exciting news, as we well be able to welcome a new generation into the world Michael Approved Things: In a segment Michael Approved Person: Hilary Duff. There was a time when I used to dress in yellow, when I wanted to dress in gold. It's a good job Hilary minced her way into my life to teach me to take a crazy chance, and even do a crazy dance. She's ace. Michael Approved Newspaper Column: The NME - despite being otherwise the most evil rag on earth - has a rather fantastic gossip column, not least because the columnist himself is rather hot, and smatters his column with references that the average NME reader (who works hard for 326 days a year to keep himself in subscription to a magazine that will lead him to beleive Girls Aloud aren't culturally important) might miss. The Mystery NME Gossip Columnist To A Man Who Likes Fighting's Bodyguard: It's your duty (to protect his booty). See? Michael Approved Michael Approved Forthcoming Single: The 8, Not Triple finally get round to releasing Sundown in the coming months. It's fucking excellent. That's all you need to know. Michael Approved Eighties Film: Return To Oz. One of - if not the - best film ever. Unlike its shiny, happy prequel, Return To Oz featured no song and dance numbers, and had the alternate title, The Adventures of the Devil from the Sky. Fairuza Balk was even scary when she was a ten year old. Michael Approved Record Shop: RPM in Newcastle, who had two copies of Patrick The Wolf Boy's CD in stock and were playing A Boy Like Me when I toddled in this afternoon. It made me feel guilty, not buying anything (despite Tiga's Mix CD looking rather ownable). Michael Approved Forthcoming Band/Interviewees: Fannypack make me want to dig out my pink hot pants and write raps about lady bits. You'll have to decide for yourself whether this is a good thing. J Wars: It must have been terribly traumatic for J when he realised he was uglier than Melanie C. In Other News: I went into Newcastle today and couldn't find one CD that I wanted to buy with my last fifteen pounds. There is something very seriously wrong with the charts these days, something that I intend to fix very soon. Thursday, August 28
Something It Seems Like I Should Of Known, But Didn't 
Before J and Mel C dated, he called her 'ugly'! Apparently they got together because Melanie confronted him about this. Despite being a big fan of each, (The Spice Girls I mean, not Mel C) I did not know this interesting tidbit. I wish I had of, it's hilarious. Also, Eminem called all the Spice Girls 'Fat and ugly'. Hehe. Mel C still wants to duet with him though. She really does have problems. (Yes, I did type 'Mel C is ugly' into a search engine) Winona: Why has Marky ditched Winona? Doesn't he realise that to be a true musical diety you have to have shagged Winona? (Well, according to all sources, he DID, but not untill 1998 when she was going out with Matt Damon. And we are only interested in what went down in 1992 remember - Crystal) Wednesday, August 27
CELEBRITY BACHELOR 1992 - EPISODE TWO 
Voiceover: 'THIS WEEK, ON THE BACHELOR:.... Mark 'Marky Mark' Wahlberg has been getting to know eight very fly young ladies, trying to find the right one for him. On this episode it's date time, so join us as Marky get's busy with some of the lucky contestants, and decides which ones will continue on. Only 5 can stay...who will get a rose, who will get sent home? That's tonight on....CELEBRITY BACHELOR 1992' Date One: Alyssa Milano 
Alyssa recieved the lucky news that she had been chosen to go on a solo date with Marky. She was thrilled, and the couple made their way to zoo, the setting for the first date. As the were walking through the lion encloser, things seemed to be going well. That was, untill, the subject turned to careers.... Alyssa:'So, Mark, do you want to remain a rapper forever? Mark: 'Well, no..actually, I really want to be a serious actor some day....' Alyssa supresses a laugh Mark: (Angrily) 'Shut up bitch! Aaron Spelling wouldn't even cast you!' Alyssa: 'He would so! I mean....! Grrr..' The rest of the date was tense. Date Two: Winona Ryder 
Winona was the second lucky lady chosen to go on a solo date with Mark. They went for a fun afternoon to the icecream parlor. As they were eating their sundaes, things seemed to be going well. That was, untill, the subject turned to careers.... Winona: 'So Mark, did you like Edward Sissorhands? Mark: 'Nup' Things went downhill after that. Well, there was one solo date left for Marky to go on Date Three: Madonna 
Madonna and Mark set off on their date to Disney World. Neither of them seemed to be having a good time, and things didn't seem to be going very well. That is, untill, the subject turned to careers.... Mark: 'So...er....what are you up to lately? Madonna: 'Well, I just wrote a book about sex' Mark: 'Really? I just wrote a book dedicated to my dick!' Madonna: (Impressed) 'Wow...' Mark: 'I think we're going to get on well' Things are looking good for this couple... THE ROSE CEREMONY 
Only FIVE of the ladies can recieve a rose. This means that three will be sent home... Based on dates, and general vibes, Mark chose the following to give a rose to:    
These three have been eliminated: 
Next time on CELEBRITY BACHELOR 1992: Mark will get to date the rest of the ladies, and will be narrowing the field down even futher. Who will he chose? Who will be the last one standing? Will there be wedding bells in the air? It's all next time on The Bachelor My Lord I have never seen such obscene amounts of posting in one day in an effort to push Marky Mark down the blog. Well, it's not gonna work, we have the second episode of CELEBRITY BACHELOR 1992 coming up very soon. And Let's Make One Thing Clear! NO ONE on this blog likes Mel C. No one. You're asking for a detailed year-by-year run down of how she destroyed pop and ruined my life HOW MEL C DESTROYED POP: A TIMELINE 
1996 - From the first time you saw the Wannabe clip it was clear who the dud was. Despite the song being the best song of the decade, by the best group ever, it just could of been so much better if one of them wasn't weaing tracksuit pants. I mean, come on, tracksuits? There's no excuse. 1996, a bit later - Maybe the Wannabe clip was just a bad fashion day, maybe she could redeem herself you think. But no...the true horror begins to reveal itself. Sporty Spice? What is she even DOING in the best group ever? You've got 4 totally fly, bonza and dope ladies bringing the tunes, and then you have Melanie C, who was, to be quite frank, uglying up the whole thing. 1997 - What IS that screeching noise coming out of the stereo? You begin to realise just how completely horryfying her voice is. It is the sound of Hell. All the Spice Girls songs could of been sooo much nicer if Mel C's voice wasn't involved. Slowly, but surely, Mel C is destroying pop. 1997, the end - It gets a bit personal now. Watch Spiceworld. EVERYTIME Geri says something Melanie C rolls her eyes. This is a true fact. And it pissed me off big time. The best bit of the movie is when Mel C drowns. The worst bit is when she is pulled out of the water. (And her acting and hair of course) 1998 - The worst day in pop culture history arrives. Geri leaves the Spice Girls. WHY OH WHY couldnt it of been Mel C?, you ask. And THEN. Mel C gets nasty. She says the Spice Girls are better as a four piece. What a fucking liar. 1999 - Right, now she is just being a total toe rag. She says Geri's music is shit, that Geri can't sing and.....worst of all.....her horrible, horrible solo songs are inflicted upon us. She has allmost succeded in her mission to destroy pop 2000 - Then, she sticks the final boot in. The Spice Girls are back together! Yay! Even if Forever WAS shit, it was still far far better than nothing. But. Guess what? Melanie C doesn't want to BE a Spice Girl anymore. She doesn't record the album with them, she calls them a hobby, and just wants to work on her 'serious' (and shit) solo career. SO....there are no more Spice Girls songs. Ever. Well done Mel C, you've destroyed pop. Of course, we can all take glee in the fact that she's a total flop now. Things have gone sour for her, and the world of pop is slowly rebuilding itself. But, you never know when she may attack again. The very fact that she is still going at all is a worry. WE DO NOT SUPPORT HER Wrong, Bustah!: Pete from York lists Dude Yr So Crazy as his favourite Le Tigre song. This is wrong! Everybody knows that Les and Ray is one of the most beautiful songs in exsitance, and that it tells the story of my early life through it's pretty lyrics and out-of-tune music like nothing before it could have. Let's have a look at some lyrics. Nine years old, And climbing out the house, To a song played on piano, By neighbours Les and Ray. I put my hand, Up against the wall, To be closer to the music that they'd play. You were my oxygen, The thing that made me feel I could escape, This a thank you song for Les and Ray. See, they're just lovely. Kathleen Hanna is lovely when she's not rioting. Michael Agrees With Somebody On Something Shocker!: Mr. BestWorst thinks Dildo's new single is shit. And it is! Battle Of The Babes: Over at The Motherfuckin' Pop, Claire and Alyson With A Y are arguing over which pop song has the best video clip. Since I only have poor people's telly, and never get the chance to watch pop videos, I thought I'd decide which was my favourite song: Baby One More Time or No Scrubs. But I couldn't! Here's some lists, anyway. Top Five Reasons To Love Baby One More Time: 1. I must confess/That my loneliness/Is killing me now-oh-ow-wow-wow-wow-oh/Don't you know I still believe. 2. That intro. 3. Britney is born. 4. Pop is saved. 5. Video's Set In American High Schools are always good. Top Five Reasons To Love No Scrubs: 1. Left Eye's rap. 2. That intro. 3. Left Eye's ad libs (Bustah!). 4. On the album, it's followed by Good At Being Bad, the spasticest song ever to exsist. 5. TLC. (nb: Tionne and Chilli were beating up Lisa in the video because of the silly Oh, they've fallen out! rumours. Americans with a sense of humour!). Sport, Only Good: Regular readers will have worked out for themselves that I'm the kind of boy who forged notes from his Mum every time sports day rolled round, so they might be surprised to hear that I am looking forward to Channel 4's The Games. This is because the contestants are genius: Melanie C - I've decided I like her again. Yes, really. Lee off Steps - He's working on his body in preparation for his pornographic debut. Harvey - The T4 presenter who used to be in So Solid. He's a twat, but much hilarity will ensue from him keeping it real. Shock And Awe: Simon Cowell offered the writers of Baby One More Time a rather nifty car and a huge wad of cash. He wanted to record it with Five. However much you love Abs - or J, if you're that way inclined - Five recording Baby One More Time is the stupidest idea anybody has ever had. Question Time Part Three: I've been meaning to answer these questions from Alyson With A Y for ages, but 1. Here at CFB goes pop, we don't want No Scrubs...what do you want none of? I don't want no pigeons. They have scary eyes. 2 Here at CFB goes pop, we also love a good muck around and a good game of chasings....what's the best game you can play in your opinion? Boy Or Lesbian. Especially good fun when you're at a festival. You have to look at a person and decide whether they are an androgynous boy or an androgynous girl. If they are an androgynous boy, you get to dance with them. If they are an androgynous girl, she is a lesbian. You can still dance with her, but not in the same manner as you would with girly boy. 3. Here at CFB goes pop, we also like wandering around saying BUSTAH (as you know)...what else is a brilliant line from a song to go around saying? This weekend, my phrases of choice have been Why not do a crazy dance?, from Hilary Duff's first single, and Hey Dooshbags! from The Kelly Osbourne Show. I've also been singing Sleeping With The Light On and yelling, I fucking love Avril! at rock fans. They don't have any sense of humour. At all. 4 If you had to go to a fancy dress party dressed as someone from a pop video clip, who would you go as, and why? It would be a tie between the man in the leather pants from Madonna's Human Nature video, or a member of The Polyphonic Spree. I look totally hot in my robes. 5 Describe a time when you're life was complicated... Last summer was lost admist a tremour of coming out, Will Young, Mum's on prozac, visits to the doctors, people asking me whether I was a transvestite (I wasn't then, nor am I now, despite my fixation with Divine, Ru Paul, Pete Burns and their ilk), family being told about my disposition without me knowing, bullying, confusion, GCSE exams, rubbish mates, changing schools, people being even more horrible at the new school, changing back again, and being generally angry with the world, my life was very complicated. You could say my life got cold, but then it got warm again. Hoorah! Question Time Part Two: From the man with the flyest-logo on the street, Mr. Worst. 1. Who's better: Anne Diamond or Crystal Waters? Even though I haven't any idea who she is, I'm going to go for Crystal Waters. Crystal is the nicer gemstone, and you can't get much worse than Ann Diamond. 2. Who is your favourite celebrity chef? I may be beaten up on the streets for admitting to liking him, by I have a soft spot for Jamie Oliver. FASCINATING FACT!: Our Lady Crystal once spent an obsene ammount of money on a book by Nigella 'Bites' Lawson. The crazy ho! 3. If you had to listen to one album for the rest of your life on a loop, that slowly got louder... what would it be and why? What a fantastic question! I think I'd have to go for Lycanthropy, despite the fact that I would end up with a firework exploding in my headphones (Epilogue). 4. Is Noel Edmonds really responsible for trash TV? No. I like trash TV. I fucking hate Noel Edmonds. 5. What would you do to turn around the fortunes of John Leslie? Persuade him to release a rap record. It would make me laugh, at least. Legendary Lady Rap: 
Ms. Left Eye. A true superstar. Best Work: Give A Little Bit. Some Other, Quite Good Female Rappers: 
Yo, get down wit' my riddims, homies!. I may be the only motherfucker on the planet who fast forwards American Life to the I'm drinkin' a soy latte rap at regular intervals. This is because it rules. Best Song Ever: American Life. Could She Kick Marky Mark's Frontin' Ass?: Yes. 
Crystal won't agree with me on this one. This is because she is a crazy ass ho who isn't down with the street like myself. Melons B is a female rap goddess. Dopest Rhyme Ever: We started a trend that they all imitated, a new generation of Spice we've created. Best Songs Ever: Right Back Atcha, Weekend Love, If You Can't Dance, Wannabe. Could She Kick Marky Mark's Frontin' Ass?: Of course she could, she's a Northerner. It's Female Rapper Celebration Hour!: White rappers are, like, so yesterday. Best Female Rapper Ever: 
The Dopest Ho With Flows award - if there were such a thing - would go to Our Lady Princess Superstar, for writing Too Much Weight, and being the genius behind one of the flyest rhyming stanzas this side of bonzaville: Everyone tells me I'm the female Eminem, All I'm going to talk about is getting fucked up the ass, then, Don't be mad, Em, I'm just playin', I wish I had Dr. Dre and sold out shows, One million white faces in Dayton, Ritz instead of Days Inn, bitches for maids, then, Two scoops of raisins, Amazin' lays by names like Casey Kasem. Best Songs Ever: You Get Mad At Napster, Bad Babysitter, Keith 'N Me, Who Writes Your Lyrics?, Welcome To My World. Could She Kick Marky Mark's Frontin' Ass?: Yes, but she probably wouldn't be kicking his ass as opposed to doing something else to it. She's a kinky bitch, y'see. Tuesday, August 26
Follow The Day: I'd like to declare the next three days a Marky Mark-free zone. If Crystal obeys, she will win She won't, though. The Fun - It's Not Over Afterall! Change of heart, Marky Mark will continue to be a feature untill I say otherwise. So, here we are with another episode of... CELEBRITY BACHELOR 1992!
Or bachelor is 21 year old rapper Mark 'Marky Mark' Wahlberg. He will have the opportunity over the next few days to spend some time with eight fly ladies, trying to find his Mrs Marky Mark! Let's introduce the contestants... 1. It's Who's The Boss star Alyssa Milano!
2. It's Soleil Moon Frye, better known as TV's Punky Brewster!
3. Next up, it's the queen of pop, Madonna!
4. Our fourth contestant is movie star Winona Ryder!
5. It's 90210's Jennie Garth!
6. From Australia (And Summer Bay!!) it's Dannii Minogue!
7. Looking out for her Hero, it's Mariah Carey!
8. And finally, it's star of hot new show Seinfeld, Julia Louis Dreyfus!
Who will he chose? Who will be getting a rose at the next rose cermony? Who will be sent home, with her dreams of marrying Marky Mark smashed? Marky will be getting to know all these ladies a bit better over the coming days, and norrowing down the very tough field to find his perfect match! See you next time on Celebrity Bachelor 1992! Neighbours: The Issues 
Jack's Hair - What's going on? Boyd And Skye - The hottest Neighbours couple ever. Seriously. Taj - Relegated to extra. Go on, find him someone new to stalk Plug It In, Plug It In: Look at this lady! She's a fairy. And a cake! And she's really pretty, even though I'm not that way inclined! And she makes me want to post pictures of myself on the bonza-est blog in town, before realising that this may scare the punters away! And she inspires much exclamation! The topstastic gallah that she is! In Other News: - I'm back from Leeds. Expect a report from the frontline in days to come, presented in full technicolour splendour. - I met Good Charlotte. I later embraced the inner hardcore punk fan, yo! and through bottles at them. - Since my rebirth at The Polyphonic Spree's gig, I've decided to be nice to everybody in the world, at least until the passive herbal abuse wears off, so nothing will be said of Marky Mark's take over. No. - Bring back Betty Boo. Please. Sunday, August 24
Extremely Important Discoveries In The Field Of Funky Bunch Research 
I cannot believe how much I've just learnt. It's all very exciting, extremely enlightening, and proves once and for all Marky Mark RULES. I can't even believe some of these are true. It really warms my heart... - Hector's real name is Hector Barros Jr. This is exciting for 27 reasons, but I'll just outline three: 1. We finally know his real name. Now we can track him down 2. He is a JUNIOR. This means that his father was also a Hector The Booty Inspector. And his father before him. It's the family business. 'Hector & Sons: Inspecting The Booty Since 1904.' 3. HIS son will also carry on the family tradition Ok, more Funky Bunch Facts: - Marky Mark still LIVES with one of the Funky Bunch. How bonza is THAT? I take back what I said about him forgetting where he came from. He knows Now kids, hold on to your hats.... - Hector is still recording. He is still a rapper. He still works with Terry of the Funky Bunch. He has an album. He played it for Marky Mark and Donnie D I'm so happy I could cry Dope & Undope - A Marky Mark Special 
Dope: - Marky Mark, The Funky Bunch, Good Vibrations, Bootie Inspections, Donnie D, Music For The People, Getting Funky, Army Intelligence, Calvin Klein Adds, dating Punky Brewster, Basketball Diaries Undope: - The disbandonment of the Funky Bunch, Wildside, taking walks on The Wildside, Planet Of The Apes, anytime Donnie D strayed from the Back Up, Madonna dissin', Minimal credit given to Hector, The Corruptor Critical Mistake Er, The Italian Job is not going to be reviewed on Critical Mass. I don't even know why I thought it was... I must have totally got it from my dream. Reasons Donnie D Rules 
Read this dope rhyme, and prepare to be informed, educated and inspired 'Peace, party people in the place Donnie D's in the house with the funky ass bass And cuz you said I couldn't do it A man is man so a man step to it No hip hop white wash cuz I ain't no sucker In other words I'm a raw motherfucker Last but not least Donnie D speaks peace So fuck a non believer cuz the games will never cease!' On The Dream Tip I've started to dream about Marky Mark references. Last night I had a dream Critical Mass had changed it's name to Critical Mass And The Funky Bunch. This isn't as strange as it seems, because today they ARE reviewing The Italian Job, and as the set up goes on the show, there is one main guy, the "Marky Mark" you could say, and a group of back up reviewers, the "Funky Bunch" if you will. Reasons Marky Mark Rules His past lends itself to hilarious reviews of his current day career 
There was one particular review of Planet Of The Apes which called it: Marky Mark And The Monkey Bunch That is so brilliant I want to switch lives with that person just so I can take credit for it On The House Tip! On this particular day back in March Claire had a super bonza day where she both profiled Hector The Booty Inspector AND told us Things We Can Learn From Marky Mark lyrics. Go and read it cos it's hilarious. She certainly cleared up what it was that each member of the Funky Bunch actually did: '#15. Ashley D get's flip on the lip when he grips, Girls say Scotty G is edible though he's never fed them any bull lines, just dope rhymes that "attack the wack", DJT roasts the rest like Oscar Mayer Wieners, and of course Hector will inspect the booty and not let the level slip. While all this is going on, Donnie D will be dropping bombs like battleships.' So true. Well I Liked It Below, I posted how the Marky Mark film Army Intelligence was great. Reading the user comments at IMDB though, it's not neccessarily a shared view: 'Horribly acted, and lacks any sort of laughs' 'simply juggles around various ideas that go absolutely nowhere' 'many of the performances are horrible' 'Mark Wahlberg sits in his desk and makes childish faces to his fellow classmates, reciting his dialogue as if rehearsing a part in a high school play for the first time' 'a contrived, labored, unconvincing attempt at a comedy ' 'My Pick For Turkey of the Decade!' 'I realize that there have been a lot of bad movies, but this movie gets my nod for the worst movie ever' 'Hearing Marky Mark rap out the story of Hamlet had me wishing someone would kill me before the scene was over' 'This movie is an insult to all that is holy' 'It's a silly story, with bad acting, and humor' 'This is simply the worst film I have ever seen. It is so predictable that it insults my intelligence' 'I didn't despise this movie, but I certainly didn't like it' 'It has no redeeming value' Well, like I said, I thought it was absolutely great. I'm going to look for it on DVD
|
THE LATEST CRAZE - MP3 BLOGS!:THANK ME FOR THE MUSIC BANG & BURN INTO THE GROOVE SUPERVIXXEN (Not just mp3s though that one...but digging the Spice vibe)  There are many things that I would like to say to you... WHY NOT CHECK OUT CLAIRE'S FAVOURITE FILM: 'LOVE FOREVER'?  It's all about Blur - and loving them forever! CFBGOESPOP Loves Blur, Hates Oasis. WE.HAVE.PROOF AUSCULTURE Gulity - of being tops! As is: THEIR BIG BROTHER BLOG They've discovered the correlation between Crystal's Love For A Contestant and Likelihood Of Being Voted Out Immediately ZBONZAK Kickin' it old school with a fly '98 tip JONNY'S SITE Possibly written by Ben Affleck. No, definitely. SEX KITTEN Let's stop this religious war guys! Give peace a chance. POPJUSTICE There are no laws at the seaside! I don't know who Sam & Mark are, but I do find that quite hilarious DIRRRTY POP Joining the congregation! SOAP-DISCO Thank you for taking a CA Approved Stance on Morrissey DAMON.COM Some days we're checking out this site, some days we've gone right off Blur again. MORE LINKS TO COME We're not too good for links you know, so please, if you have a site or if I've forgotten it please email the address and I will add it.
|
![[Powered by Blogger]](http://www.photobucket.com/albums/0903/bonzabud/21c49718.png){kind=small}
